Saturday, November 10, 2012

Start with truth

A woman wrote to Bel Mooney in the Mail Online, upset that "My prudish husband has left me because I lied about my sex life."
"When I met my husband 40 years ago I knew he was 'the one.' He had firm opinions on sex before marriage (outdated even then) and was a virgin. ...I'd been having sex for four years. Madly in love and wanting him to marry me, I lied."

OK, I get it. You pretended to be something you weren't, and don't think lying about sex is any bigger a deal than Bill Clinton did in the '90s. You still, after 40 years of marriage, don't respect your husband's "prudish" and "outdated" views.

And as it turns out, neither does Bel Mooney, who responds
"'Unreasonable and stubborn, even stupid' is my opinion too.

Then Mooney begins to get a clue:
"I know no one who would discover that they had been lied to for 40 years, and think it didn't matter."

Sadly, it doesn't last long, as she ends her advice with
"Why not write to say you are trying to make up your mind whether you want him back at all?"

Speaking as a man who has been married 42 years, and was a virgin on his wedding night, as was (so far as I know) my wife, it would not be in any way amusing to suddenly overhear that I was not her first. It wouldn't upset me to the point of moving out, as it did this man, but I would definitely wonder what else wasn't true about our marriage.

I just finished reading Every Bush Is Burning. One of the main points it has a modern Jesus make to a man who cheated is that he must tell his wife the whole truth immediately, and then start over from scratch to show why she should ever again have anything to do with him, because after all, why should she trust him?

I would advise this woman to tell the whole truth to her husband, in person if possible, but not until she can do so without a shred of snark, sarcasm or criticism. She can then humbly ask for forgiveness and another chance, and begin again to both say and show love however long it takes.

As for Mooney's final advice, threats, along with insults, might only confirm he's better off alone.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Welcome! Feel free to disagree, but please try not to be disagreeable about it. Like my dad, I'm often wrong, but never in doubt.